My Problem With Secret Identities

Hey Bruce.  What's with the mask?

            I am actually new to the comic book/superhero world.  I had the Spider-Man Underoos and some bed sheets with DC superheroes plastered all over them back in the 1970’s, but the only comics I ever bought were the aforementioned web-slinger and Mad magazine.  Most of the lesser-known characters and genres are new to me, which is fun, but I am also new to the world of the inherent tropes and concessions of this fantasy world.  I was mostly a sci-fi and action/adventure guy for most of my life.  Putting on the mask and tights was something I rarely ever entertained.  (Not literally. Well, you get it.)

            Most of these observations are probably well-worn paths of superhero discussion, but they do necessitate updates in this modern 3-blockbuster-films-a-summer world in which we live.  There are new TV shows, comic book stories and internet series about to compete for our attention, so I’m guessing we will have thousands of new opportunities to critique and compare, which is truly our national pastime.

            Simply put, I cannot accept secret identities and masked superheroes.  I realize this is part and parcel with the foundation of the American super hero, but it is something as an adult that still irks me.  I am perfectly willing to accept mutant powers, gamma radiation turning scientists into monsters, crawling on walls, teleporting, travelling through time and space, evil plots to destroy reality, magic, an endlessly helpful utility belt, laser vision, telekinesis, pyrokinesis, flying cars, flying people, stretchy people, stone people, steel people, invisible people and talking raccoons. But I cannot accept that the loved ones of superheroes are completely stymied when they are face to face with the masked man; and have no idea that behind the mask or cape or cowl lies someone they’ve known for eons.  You can keep your face out of the public eye with strangers, but there is no way you’re fooling the people in your life.

            Here’s how I came to this.  I have three children.  I was there the first seconds they were born.  I watched them grow and develop and get bigger and form speech patterns and all that stuff.  Because of this, I can spot them in a crowd.  I can see, even with my horrifically poor eyesight, from across a darkened parking lot, the silhouette of my daughter from 40 yards away.  I could see my son in a football uniform from the stands, even though I couldn’t make out the names and numbers.  I know his stance, his gait, the way he holds his head.  I know the hair length; I know how big their feet are.  This is the same for my wife, my mother, my brother and probably most of my friends.  These are subconscious details we map over the years and they are intrinsic to our humanity; there is an entire science dedicated to studying the human face and the aspects out brain attaches to even the most minute changes. Facial recognition and facial processing are as human as opposable thumbs. This is why CG human faces never really work out; there is just too much information we glean from the face and alterations are just too wonky for our brains to reconcile.

            In short, I’d know it was Bruce Wayne under the cowl.  So would you.  Even with makeup, in the shadow and a guttural voice, a friend of Bruce Wayne would know.  If you saw him as close as the criminals or Commissioner Gordon, you would know his stance, his shoe size, his jaw-line, his chin, his lip shape and whether or not he was disguising his voice, and you probably wouldn’t even realize why.  With his full head mask, Spider-Man has a better chance of getting away with it; but a tight suit does not help.  Plus, Peter Parker never disguised his voice to my knowledge.  We recognize thousands of different voices!  We don’t need the face to match!

            The TV show Arrow features the Green Arrow with a black mask, a hood and some little tech to disguise his voice.  The voice might fool someone, but standing in the same room, dressed in basically winter clothes would not fool his ex-girlfriend for a hot second.  She knows how he holds his head on his shoulders and his speech patterns, how he walks, stands, turns… and a host of nonverbal cues I can’t even think of.  Also, please don’t mention Superman.  I can believe bulletproof skin and super speed, but glasses have never fooled anyone, ever.  If that were true, I could take off my glasses right now, go find my daughter and she would not know who the hell I was!

            The Fantastic Four was the first big Marvel comic of the ‘60’s.  This happened after Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman all had their own secret identities and the problems that come with them.  But in the books, the FF were famous.  Everybody knew them.  That has its own challenges as well.  The comic went on without masks, because it wasn’t necessary.  The X-Men are also mostly out in the open.  You just don’t need the masks.  I understand you get human stories out of them, and they are part of a tradition, but I think superheroes should come out of the closet.  The secret identities never work out anyway, some asshole with a death ray will be ransoming off your girlfriend sooner or later.