I Am Officially Done With These Plot Devices

         

          I watch my share of fiction.  In the last few years, TV has reemerged with a crop of new treats to enjoy, from the breathtakingly original, to the standard bubble-gum fluff we secretly enjoy.  My wife and I watch together at the end of the day, and it is nice to follow ongoing stories that still have the ability to surprise us every once in a while.  But there are times when I see a show heading down a familiar path and I get the same feeling when I have to sit down and hear and old joke told to me.  Heeeere we go. Do I really have to endure this tired shit again?  I know writers rely on standard devices and talent varies from show to show, but there are times when I cringe at what is about to happen. These are a few of my TV nightmares.

            Parents. Simply put, the protagonist’s parents are used too much in modern action and drama.  It started somewhere in the late 90’s, when it wasn’t enough that the hero was a spy; he had to come from a family of spies.  Or a cop has a parent on the force, or my mom is a powerful lawyer, too, or I have been searching for my long lost dad and here he is and somehow he is integral to the plot. Maybe the writers are of that divorced generation and they were looking for a way to connect with mom and dad.  I don’t know.  I seem surrounded by TV pilots were the overarching story is one of parental disconnection, and it was fine about 15 years ago.  Is there a character on Lost that didn’t have a mom or dad problem?  Some cops just join the force because they want to, not because they are trying to solve their parents’ murder. 

            We live in a time when kids grow up and often move away; especially professionals that are at the heart of these shows.  It is still mysterious to me why so many parents are looped into the action.  You know why we didn’t see Walter White’s mother?  Because…who gives a shit?

            Are you old enough to have that job?  I get it.  Hollywood wants the young attractive people on the screen.  There are appropriate onscreen careers for someone who is 23. Sometimes I think they skew insanely too young for the role of CIA operative or FBI agent or ER doctor.  Maybe an FBI agent can be young, but perhaps it’s time to hear the stories of the people with a little dirt under their fingernails.  I’m not an old geezer here; I’m thinking someone who is 32 playing 29, instead of playing 25 and looks 19.

            Sacrificing love for safety.  Technically, this is rampant everywhere.  Spider-Man and Harry Potter did the same crap.  The hero’s life is so dangerous, and so fraught with uncertainty that he, in an act of nobility, breaks up with his true love to keep them safe from harm.  I realized that this is a classically romantic gesture and it goes back eons in the world of fiction, but this is 2014.  The truth is, when people are in love and they have other forces pulling at their lives, whether its careers or culture or insecurity, they try to have it all.  They stay together somehow.  The breakups occur when the love isn’t there anymore.  One person, desperately in love, just doesn’t quit the relationship because something might happen to the other person.  Maybe that is what makes it noble, but it does not say much for the other person, the relationship, or love as a whole.  Love makes you dumb and tends to help you make irrational decisions.  The other person has an entire life of their own. They would probably be more than a little pissed at the breakup and would not react well to hearing the excuse of “I’m keeping you safe from super-villains.”  If you truly love the person, you almost always find a way.  That is the messy, inconvenient, silliness of love.

            Rotten teens and kiddie drama.  If kids were as absolute shitty as they were on TV and in the movies than there is not an American citizen who would not offer themselves up for immediate sterilization.  I have never seen kids as sour, rotten and conniving as I have seen on TV.  Never.  I have teenagers and they are challenging, but they aren’t plotting and evil.  They don’t have established views on relationships and how the world works; those change every day.  They don’t make adult decisions or talk like adults or, for a lot of kids, care the least bit what the adults are up to. 

            If writers need a teen in the show, take a crack at making them somewhat realistic.  They have mood swings, sure. But it is not the sum-total of their personality.  You know what kids are usually doing when they aren’t in school?  Sleeping.  Doing insane amounts of homework.  They are friggin’ tired after a long day of either too many activities or avoiding going back home. It is not exciting.  The other half of their world is bullshitting with friends in their rooms or via text. 

            I understand there is a market for teen-based dramas.  I don’t watch that stuff, and it is not for me.  The irritation is when this need for adult themed-kid drama spills into my shows.  If I am watching a show with super-cops, spies, US marshals, mutant heroes, gangsters, lawyers, doctors, or meth-making chemistry teachers, and a scene pops up with two teens talking to each other, I tune out.  Your plots are inconsequential!  Your opinions are temporary and in flux and you don’t know shit about shit yet.

            Gratuitous head trauma.  If you watch dramas with any kind of action or violence, they inevitably use this plot device. The hero is whacked from behind and then the scene ends.  People are so easily knocked out with a rifle butt or a blunt object, and ‘come to’ in the next scene, groggy and unaware of where they are.  Human beings can be knocked out.  But they can also receive cracked skulls.  Some can even withstand the blow from the back of the head without losing consciousness.  Also, if the heroes on  Lost or the superhero shows really were knocked out as many times in real life as they were over the course of five seasons, they would certainly need to be hospitalized.  

            No one actually says these things.  This is my own beef.  I have never heard another human being refer to someone as their “lover” in my life.  I find it icky when there is a little boy at the center of a story and adults refer to him as “the child”.  “Once” is a word that is folded into a lot of dialogue lately, as in “you once told me I was meant to be someone special”.  Does anyone actually say “once” in that context?  Finally, what has to be my least favorite phrase that I’ve never heard outside of fiction is: “I want answers!”  Who the hell says ‘answers’? The only reason you don’t have ‘answers’ is that the writers feel it necessary to withhold certain information from your character!  If this was anything close to reality, you’d have the information already, dammit!