The Third Thing

My three, caught off-guard, around 2010.

I write down ideas for these blog pieces because I am full of ideas.  It’s not a boast, it’s a blessing and a curse.  Anyway, I’ve been sitting on a few for a long time and one of them is titled “The Breakup (With Your Kids).  It was about the relationship with your children which is unlike any you will have in your life. It never got off the ground.  Then I remembered an interview I heard on a podcast once that was about parenthood and my reaction to it.  That was called “The Big Lie”, and that also never got going.  Now I have the Third Thing, and the Third Thing is…well…all of this.

That interview was between a host that covers mental health issues and a woman who was a writer (I think.)  She talked about her struggles, and that she had a daughter and a hard time adjusting to motherhood.  Normal, typical.  But then she described something called The Big Lie, which is the fairy tale that parenthood, particularly motherhood is a wonderful, joyful experience and will leave you feeling fulfilled in every way. She said this is a lie.  My immediate reaction was: “Why the hell are you believing in fairy tales? There’s enough evidence to the contrary all around you, and if you still believe that drivel when you’re old enough to have kids, who’s fault is that?”

But other than reaction, I didn’t have much to say.

I have three grown kids.  Technically, my responsibility is done.  But you know if you are a parent, those grown kids are also your babies, little kids, and wise-ass teenagers.  They are all things all the time.  The hope is that everything will work out for them.  But your control is done.  Amy and I had kids very early.  Now we have the rest of our lives to figure out wheat we want to do.

That is life, right?  Trying to figure out what you want to do right up until you die? It sure feels like it.

There is a break-up period with your kids, as I stated before.  It takes a while, sometimes many years, but eventually your role in their lives gets smaller and smaller.  There is no other relationship like that in a human’s existence.  Long marriages aren’t like that, lifelong friendships are more of an ebb and flow, and even dogs are best buds up until the end.

So why do people promote parenthood?  It’s a relationship that ends up in a sort of break-up for everyone. Even if parents and children stay close, it’s never the same. It’s because of a third thing. That third thing is the reason.  That third thing exists beyond our big, dumb culture and our ability to label it.  It is unknowable unless you are in it.  It is primal. It is of the earth, it is holy.  It exists outside of good and bad, fun and boring, intelligent and stupid.  It’s the type of thing we don’t discuss because we are a lowest-common denominator type of culture that shies away from the big problems with deep emotions.

It's the third thing.

Even shitty parents know what it is.  Between their sips of beer and lifetime of abuse or neglect, maybe when they first wake up in the morning out of the haze of their broken lives, they feel it.  It’s an emotion we don’t have a name for.  It is a connection that we cannot deny, and to do so takes poisonous distractions. It’s the third thing. 

I think the closest we come to an adjective is ‘bittersweet’.  It’s not quite accurate, but it’s in the ballpark.

Having children is bittersweet.  For everyone involved.

Comparing pet ownership to children is ludicrous and I think other people have made better cases.  However, I will attest that having a connection with a pet is like having a taste of the third thing.  It’s like the EPCOT version as opposed to getting on a plane and going to the real thing. There is love and friendship and a little pride and sadness when they’re gone.  I’m also a sensitive, empathetic person and if someone is devastated over the loss of a cat, I’m not going to shame them.  That’s for assholes.

I have a good memory and I can carry the memories of my kids wherever I go.  That’s what I get.  We didn’t have a lot of money, and money makes memories despite what a lot of us think, but I do have a feeling.  They have a feeling.  That feeling of belonging to something in one way or another.  I hope it’s good for them. I hope they think about me with a few smiles and think of their childhood with the same.  But that’s not mine, that’s theirs. I have that third thing with me at all times.  It is part of the definition of me and it has guided a huge chunk of my life.  It is undeniable and it beautiful and a little sad and I love it and it bums me out sometimes. 

It’s not a breakup, it lasts a lifetime.  It’s not a lie, it’s just the opposite.  It’s the Third Thing.