Married for Twenty-Five Years (Self-Congratulatory Observations)

Our natural state. Exhausted and resting.

You write a lot and you hit a milestone?  Of course you have to put something together.  On November 26, 2019, Amy and I will be married for twenty-five years.  We’ve been married more than we haven’t.  We’ve been married since Clinton’s first term when most people didn’t have a computer or an email account. 

It’s been awhile.

Obviously, when you think you’re a smart guy and you’ve accumulated all this knowledge, it’s time to lay it on the world.  How does anyone stay married for twenty-five years?

Yeah, I don’t know.  I could give you our recipe but there is a very good chance it won’t work for you.  You may also think my marriage sucks.  Why? Because everyone is different, and every relationship is different.  Don’t ask people how to keep a marriage going.  Don’t read books about it. Seek some help and have that help catered to you and your partner. 

(Hey!  I guess I did have some advice.)

If I was forced to do so, I could detail a few things that helped us out.  Again, this worked for us.  Were young and stupid and broke.  Don’t start that way.

One of the first things we figured out is to not carry any grudges.  This goes along with keeping score, and that type of crap.  The adage goes: Don’t go to bed angry.  That’s a load of horseshit.  You’re going to go to bed angry every once in a while.  Just don’t wake up angry.  Let yesterday’s static fade away and understand that you are in it for the long haul.  If you keep score or let your imagined sleights build up over time, you aren’t acting like a married person.  You’re waiting out a clock somewhere.

Also, we really don’t argue.  We say our peace and move on.  I guess there is a style of marriage out there that can withstand daily drama and fights, but we could never be down with that.  If you are constantly fighting, something is wrong.  I’m not sure that’s a healthy baseline to keep in your life.  (Again, this works for us.)

We have three kids.  That took up a lot of time.  We still don’t have enough quality time together and that is a goal for our future.  But it’s also important to have a thing.  You each need to have your own thing.  Amy is a busy chef.  That’s pretty much her thing.  I have my job and this writing thing that’s been going on for 30 years.  These things do not really overlap.  I don’t work in a kitchen and Amy doesn’t write.  She doesn’t even like science fiction.  That’s cool.  This seems like a more accepted aspect of a healthy marriage, but for some people, they might not understand the importance. I also like the idea of having a thing together, too, but those are harder to come by with busy schedules.  At least there are movies and things like that to enjoy together.

It’s okay to have different entertainment. 

I’m sure it’s possible to have diametrically opposed political views in a marriage but I can’t imagine it. You don’t have to agree on everything but…you know…agreeing on most things is probably good.

Opposites attract, it’s true.  It’s better when opposites complement each other.  When it comes to mood and disposition, Amy is more direct current and I’m an alternating current.  No surprise.

Split chores.  No need to do them together. If your parent does a chore in a manner you don’t like, swap. Amy doesn’t do laundry well. Apparently, I do not know how to properly wash pans.

Don’t plan too much.  Don’t expect the other person to entertain you. It’s okay to do nothing.  Keep money meetings short.

Don’t live in a tiny house. Recipe for disaster. If you have to, buy two and keep them side by side.  If you live in a small space, set up two separate spaces to exist.  You need room to be yourself. 

Figure out how you and your partner like to receive love.  Words, hugs, help...the love language stuff.  I can’t imagine anything more important than to be reminded that you are loved and the obligation you have to return that feeling.  Whatever it is, do it often and don’t assume the other person is sick of it.  Unless they tell you.  Then, you have work to do.  I guess.  (I’ll take pretty much any attention I’m thrown, to its pretty easy for me.)

There!  Happy?