The Good Capitalist's Guide to the Holiday Calendar

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Congratulations, you’re an American consumer.  Get ready for a life of shiny new items and a deep hole within yourself that will never be filled. The following is a quick guide to the calendar as it pertains to the holidays.  It is a list of the type of holidays, what is expected of you, and how much money you should spend on food, drink or plastic crap.
There are three main types of holidays.  Eating days, Drinking days, and Gift days.  All of these require some thought beforehand and a budget to accompany each one. This guide is here to help you, but if you ever get lost or confused, just go to the seasonal sections of your local superstore and they will be prepared for the next big holiday.  Even if it’s months away.
January is a quiet month.  The only true holiday is MLK Day, and no one has figured out a good way to blow your money on it.  Give them time. Superbowl Sunday is at the end of the month or the beginning of February, which is the first big Eating holiday of the year.  Its both an Eating and a Drinking Day, but since the game is supposed to be for the whole family, you have to work in soda and chips for the kids, too. By then, all your resolutions to lose weight are out the window, so go ahead and enjoy the seven-layer dip.
Valentine’s Day is next.  It is a gift holiday, and the trickiest one of the year.  You have to judge the loved ones in your life to see who deserves what level of recognition.  Chocolate? Cards?  A dinner?  The pressure is on to prove the amount of love you have by the planning and expense you make.  What about a ring?  It’s a big jewelry holiday.  One of the few Flower holidays. Make sure you choose the right style of rock with an artificial market value or its bad news for you. Plus, children get to fill out cards for all the good-looking kids in their classes.  Sorry, weirdos!
March is St. Patrick’s Day.  A Drinking day.  Just drink.  If you don’t drink, take this one off.  It’s meaningless. The rest of March and April are mostly quiet periods, as you gear up for the summer spending season.  Easter occurs during this month, and I still really don’t know the proper way to celebrate.  It may be the strangest observance ever.  Eggs and chocolate for the kids, getting dressed up and church for everybody else.  And, there’s a rabbit in their somewhere.  A low-pressure holiday.
With May brings the new phrase “Mom’s and Proms”.  Everyone better think of a gift or a dinner for your mom, and if you are a teen, you have money to blow on a one-time dress or tuxedo. Even knowing, as we all do, that Mother’s Day was promoted by Hallmark to sell crap, we all observe it like was decreed in the Rosetta Stone. Buy dinner, buy flowers, or buy a gift, or you are a terrible person.
If May is Mom’s and Proms, June is “Dad’s and Grads” Let Dad get in on the action!  You must now buy something for a person who’s even more difficult to buy for than your mom. Don’t forget the graduates in your life.  This is usually a cash month.  Gift cards all around.  Its all the grads really want, and the dads don’t give a damn.
We all celebrate July 4th in some way.  Almost everything is closed.  If we’re not grilling or drinking outside, we’re shooting off fireworks at night.  It’s one of the two Fireworks holidays, which is odd because not all fireworks are legal everywhere. This is America!  That doesn’t keep my neighbors from getting started long before the sun goes down.
August is a hot and shitty month.  It also has no holidays. Good.  Save your money.  The big ones are around the corner.
Memorial Day in May and Labor Day in early September exist to bracket the summer months.  They serve as excuses for three-day weekends. They are days of remembrance, spent sleeping at the beach or drinking on a boat.
When the fall comes, roll up your sleeves.  Clear some room on that credit card and get ready.  Halloween used to be for kids, but in the last few decades, it is now for everyone. You need costumes. Your kids need to be monsters, ninjas, princesses, superheroes, and the latest internet meme, but you better come up with something as well if you want to go out.  But don’t be lame.  Or do.  Don’t put too much effort into it.  Or you should.  Just buy something, dammit.  Load up on candy and make sure it's so much that you have it leftover to snack on well into November.
Thanksgiving is the Eating holiday of the year.  More money than you spend on any one meal, and you get to eat it in ten minutes or so. Make room in the budget for everyone’s personal favorite side dish, until the table looks less like a family gathering and more like a Vegas buffet.
Christmas.  Oh sure, there are other religious holidays, but not one of them has the immense marketing campaign as the reigning king.  Christmas is December.  It is a series of festivities.  Office parties, friend gatherings, trips, lighting ceremonies, extended family visits…all with gifts, food, and drinks in tow. The gifts can be anything and they are plentiful.  Anything and everything can be a gift and your job is to figure out who gets what and how many.  Don’t forget the trees. The ornaments. The lights and decorations.  The dinner.  Something for your dog?  Do it.  The added bonus is you need to keep this all under wraps.  Speaking of wraps, don’t forget this year’s wrapping paper, tissue, bows, tag, boxes, gift bags and you can’t possibly give that special someone a gift card in an envelope!  Buy a box for that card!
And lastly, we have the most useless holiday of them all, New Year's Eve.  Fireworks at midnight. I guess you drink or something…I’ve really never given a shit either way.
Now that you know how to celebrate, get out there and start spending!
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