We're All Gross

It doesn't always smell like these things.

I’ve been with the same person for 26 years.  I know nothing of dating, or how it’s changed or even what it used to be.  I reserve my judgment because my knowledge based on movies, TV, and books and I don’t know if it reflects the truth. At all.

I can only speak from my experiences and I can tell you that hearing conversations in interviews or from people I have worked with over the years, there are some startling revelations. I don’t understand communication rules, like texting and messaging.  I don’t know shit about what to say or not to say.  My only expertise comes from a long-term relationship.  Basically, I can’t tell you how to start one, but I can tell you some stuff that will help you develop a successful one.

Staying in contact, respecting space, growing, time alone, team effort.  All that good shit. We about those on talk shows all the time.  Because they work.  But they aren’t everything.  I can think of one aspect of a relationship that must be addressed and agreed upon before you spend your life with someone.

You have to truly experience how gross the other person is.

There are people in this culture who refuse to pass gas in front of anyone, including someone they are in a relationship with.  That boggles my mind.  I’ve heard of people leaving their house to poop so they don’t stink up the bathroom for someone else.  What the holy hell is that?  I must know the thinking behind these precious humans that can’t have stinkiness of any kind around them or they will wither and die. You should be able to blast ass in front of your loved one!  If your significant other would consider dumping you because your shit stinks, then leave that childish asshole!

We all fart.  We all poop and pee.  Women use tampons and pads.  We all get colds and puke and get diarrhea.  Pimples. Ingrown hairs. Toenails. Boogers and snot.  Bad breath and cold sores.  Eye gunk. Dry, flaky skin.  Can we just admit that and deal with it?  Something about removing ourselves from all the ‘nasty’ stuff in life seems like a wrong move.  They’re not necessarily pleasant experiences, but I don’t think we should be horrified that a loved one ate too many tacos.

Have you guys ever seen a fresh placenta?  I have. I survived.  You know what a carbuncle is?  My wife knows that I had one.  Don’t look it up.

Life is gross.  People are gross.  You are gross.

Behind closed doors, laugh at it. Normalize it. Make a game out of it.  Nobody’s watching. Do you really want to feel shame about your own body at home? I think I had a weak stomach when I was a kid, but when I had my own kids, that didn’t last. The first two years of a baby’s life is a nonstop bodily fluid parade.  Pee in the face.  Poop on the wall. My son threw up in my mouth.  True story.  Think of how much more prepared you could be at parenting if you could at least recognize the mutual need for cropdusting.

Also, learn what cropdusting is.

I don’t have the cold, hard rule that one should follow.  But if you are serious with someone, you should have a plan to be as intimate as possible with them, and not just the fun stuff.   When we get past all the talk show drivel and inspirational Facebook messages; when we leave the romantic crap at the movie theater, it comes down to the fact that we are just people. If you want someone to love for everything you are, you let them understand that you are kinda nasty and stinky sometimes.  But buckle up. Because so are they, and they have a giant pile of gross that will be brand new and terrifying to you, too.