Social Experiments (at Home)

I watched MASH a million times when I was a kid.  There was an episode where Hawkeye made a bet that he could walk through camp and eat lunch in the mess tent completely nude and no one would notice.  His contention was that everyone was in a haze and stopped noticing each other. He was right, except when Radar caught him in the mess tent and dropped his tray for everyone to notice.

Maybe it was a function of not being noticed as a child that I became a person who notices everything.  Well mostly everything. I miss a lot of big stuff when I’m zeroing in on less conspicuous details. I miss clothing details all the time.  Ask anyone who’s read one of my books.  My brain isn’t wired for that stuff.  But the little clues.  The missing pieces.  I lock into those with ease.

I’ve conducted a few experiments over the years for my own enjoyment.  I don’t really like pranks, but good-natured teasing is fun, especially when it’s catered specifically to the recipient.  My wife was always complaining that I left my belt everywhere.  (Mostly because it didn’t have its own place to hang out.) After the third time she tripped over it and let me know about it, I made a plan. I began to strategically place the belt in ridiculous places where only she could find it.  In her chair.  Slung over the TV.  Tucked into her side of the bed at night.

Well, I enjoyed it.

I usually just looked for attention when I was younger.  (Please.  Have I really stopped?)  When I was about 18 or so living with my mom and my brother, there was a time when my brother’s girlfriend was around a lot. Four people milling around a tiny apartment, and most of the time it was boring as hell.  So, I liked to shake things up a little.  I put an orange Chapstick up my nose.

Yep.

I sat in the living room, pretending to read a novel, with a Chapstick sticking out of my nose.  I didn’t call attention to it.  The object was to see how long it took until someone noticed.  My nostrils are on the big side, so holding it there wasn’t too bad.  For the first five minutes.  After eighteen total minutes, I glanced up as my brother’s girlfriend entered the room and rightfully asked me why I had a Chapstick in my nose.   I popped it out, thanked her and chucked it in the trash.

I’m guessing a lot of the kids I went to high school with were simultaneously enjoying their first year of college while I applied a cold washcloth to my raw nasal cavity.

Sometimes I conducted my experiments to prove a point.  Those experiments have a 0% success rate. No one in my household, including the Mrs. and the kids, noticed things like I did or was bothered by them.  One time when the kids were small, it was time to clean up the toys and little kid detritus from the living room.  My wife was also collecting laundry from the same area and a small sock was left behind.  It was about six inched from the TV and could be clearly seen.  Normally I’d pick it up and throw it in the laundry which was almost always my responsibility.  But this time, I just thought to leave it there.  I didn’t say a damn thing.  I wondered how long would it go unnoticed in our hectic household, with three small kids and two adults with chronically misaligned schedules. 

Plus, I usually picked it up.

By the next morning, it had not moved.  When I got back from work in the afternoon, it was waiting for the next round.  I arrived home before the kids, and it was unlikely they would notice or care.  They didn’t.  My wife got home late, didn’t give a shit about anything but sleep.

But the sock waited.  Another day and a half.  Until Saturday morning, when I marched over to the sock, picked it up and told my wife the whole story.  She answered with: “What?”

That pretty much sums up my findings.