All Conspiracy Theories are Bullshit

We done did it.

              Man, I loved the movie JFK.  By the time I was in high school it was a foregone conclusion that Kennedy was killed by the CIA, Russians, the mob, Cuba, LBJ, and aliens from planet Zubaxus-7. I got so into that shit.  I read the books, watched a couple of blurry documentaries from the 1970’s, I bought into the grassy knoll and the Magic Bullet theory and the missing head and all of it. It was compelling and interesting as hell. It sparked my interest in history and could be one of the reasons I wanted to teach it and get a degree. 

            But as the years went on and I actually went to college and learned how humanity slogs through civilization, I understand that 99% of the JFK conspiracy theories were just wrong.  Incorrect.  The Magic Bullet Theory was concocted to explain an inconsistency that wasn’t there.  The odds of a grassy knoll shooter were pretty slim.  I still think there were some shenanigans and Oswald may have had some help, but it’s impossible to prove and inconsequential if I did. I think that’s the sticking point of a lot of these things.  There is ample evidence to the contrary for all of these theories, but that in itself proves the theories’ staying power. 

            That’s just what they want you to think!

            Nah.

            We landed on the moon.  Six times, actually.

            There were no aliens at Roswell.  It’s been explained 1000 times.

            There’s no Bigfoot or Loch Ness Monster, either.

            Most importantly, nobody is after you.  Corporate America is pretty open about wanting your money.  The government asks for votes and takes taxes.  I have a pretty good feeling that conservatives as a whole don’t want to kill liberals, and liberals simply want everyone to live the way they want to live, with the added caveat of not having to beg for change on the street.

            Here’s what I learned about history.  Most of the people alive during human history weren’t involved.  We aren’t even day-players in the intricate schemes that move everything forward.  We aren’t part of the architecture of what is all around us.  Wealthy people created it out of self-interest.  That’s it. We, as a people, weren’t even at the meeting. They don’t give a fuck about us.  That even gives them more credit than they deserve.  They don’t recognize us enough to not give a fuck.  We are invisible to them.  We do not exist.

            The point is that they don’t have any interest in all of these ridiculous conspiracies about mind-control or taking our guns or doping our drinking water or eating our babies or whatever.  That would mean they care either way.  They don’t.

 I love when people generalize about the government and their attempts to destroy us.  The government is an employer.  There are thousands of employees who are just like you and me.  A lot of soldiers.  Mail carriers. Administrative staff at the Treasury department.  US Forest Rangers.  The IT department at the IRS.  Where are the masterminds behind all of these conspiracies, exactly?  The Congress?  Everything the Congress votes on is a matter of record.  The shit they do behind closed doors or under that table is for their own benefit.  Its self-interest.  That’s the dark side of politics we are all familiar with. 

Listen very carefully: NO ONE IS THINKING ABOUT YOU, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

The modern right-wing conspiracies are especially hilarious if they weren’t so dangerous as we have now learned.  It is delusion based on a number of factors, (one of them being a lack of things to do with your life).  But history has shown this over and over.  A downward turn in the economy leads to radicalization of easily manipulated people.  You marginalize immigrants first, then you demonize the opposition, then put your faith into a false prophet that promises a better life but is just in it for his own personal gain.  It’s Civilization 101.  The only cure to this cycle is democracy, which can still take quite a beating because of the haunting specter of self-interest.

But make no mistake, no one is thinking about you one way or another.

It’s ego.  Maybe there is a sense that we are invisible, and conspiracies are a way to be part of the game, even as victims. Modern life has allowed for a tidal wave of free time but not much is expected or offered to do with it.  Movies, sports, video games.  Fiction, a little travel, drinking.  But not much to do with the mind.  So, the mind wanders.  The paranoids create theories, and the bored follow…out of boredom.  That doesn’t make it real. 

It also doesn’t constitute a ‘side’.  Anti-vax or anti-mask assholes are protected by the Constitution so there can’t be any laws created to jail them for saying dumb shit. But having a wacky theory based on fear does not represent an argument.  You’re just saying things.  Its just as effective to sing Beatles lyrics at the argument. Actually, that would be helpful, so its not exactly like that.

All you need is love.  And, a shit-ton of critical thinking skills.  Then, we might get somewhere. Here’s a decent rule of thumb.  If you are stuck on a proposal of whether a conspiracy is true or not, just fall on the side of what’s the most dull and boring explanation.  A fabrication has been tailored to be interesting.  Real life, well…