How Do You Politely Say These Things?

Being socially awkward and mostly inexperienced in light chatter, I have tremendous Grand Canyon-sized holes in my communication skills.  I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to say it if I did, and I have no idea how to reply if you reply. I’ve cowardly avoided these situations for almost fifty years and I own it.  It’s okay.  But mysteries are mysteries and some of these questions still chew at the back of my brain.  I’ve tried Google and Psychology Today articles and podcasts, but I have no concrete answers.

            I want to know how to say these things to people. I think it would help in our lives and it could help out society as a whole.  I say society instead of humanity because my guess is that other cultures have this shit nailed down.  But I live in ‘Merica.

            How do you tell someone that they are too dumb to understand? I’ve been picking at this scab for years now and I’ve written about it several times.  I don’t understand why this is so difficult.  At any job, you can be told you aren’t talented enough to advance.  Being a chef, a baseball player, a teacher, a salesman, an artist.  Some people have it, some don’t.  Some people could work ten years and have it, some couldn’t if they had a lifetime.  We attach shame to failure and that’s a mistake.  Failure is important.  Knowing your limitations is also important.

            And some people are dumb as hell. Its not media, fake news, facts, truth, or opinion that decide this.  It’s the ability to learn.  That’s intelligence.  Can you effectively learn, or are you bogged down with too many theories and outdated notions or traditions that get in the way? Or is your brain just not sharp?  That’s also a reason.  In any case, dumb people are easy to spot and I have not discovered a kind and genteel way to tell someone respectfully that they are too dumb to understand something. 

            I do like ‘stay in your lane’, though.  But that can mean other things, so…

            How do you tell someone that they, are indeed, the asshole? I’ve had a lifetime of dealing with narcissists and this is the ultimate question of the people who float in their wake every day.  It doesn’t have to be a narcissist.  It could be a drunk or a sexist or racist bigot.  It could just be someone who is selfish. It happens all the time: There is a family argument, some static between friends, a party that goes sour.  But everyone knows who is at fault. It’s the same guy who was at fault at the last party. And Christmas.  And that trip to the beach last summer.  He is part of the group but a boil on everyone’s ass.  But his mind can’t fathom that he is at fault or that he shares the blame with no one.  There is no polite way to say: ‘You are ruining everyone’s time.  You do this constantly and we hate it. Please change your behavior or stop showing up’.  We don’t do that.  But I wonder if there is a culture in let’s say…Uruguay that knows a direct way to tell someone to stop being a festering shit and think about others for a change.  I continue to wonder.

            This one is closest to my heart:

            How do you tell someone that they are not funny and should stop trying?

            I’m funny.  You know how I know?  I make people laugh.  All the time.  Different people, too.  Strangers, different ages, the old lady at Trader Joe’s.  They laugh.  That’s key. If you don’t hear any laughter, then that’s a pretty big mark against your attempt to be funny.  There are millions of people who try to be funny on the internet and they truly do not know if they are funny because they only have thumbs up, likes, or LOL’s.  So, if you really want to see if you’re funny, try it out in front of other humans.  Pay attention.  Are they laughing because of what you said, or because you are also laughing and they are being polite and laughing along?  Laughing with you doesn’t mean you’re funny.  It means you’re kinda bossy.

            If you are quoting movies, memes, or jokes, that’s also not a sign you’re funny.  It means you have a good sense of humor. Which, I want to be clear, is WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING FUNNY. Just be satisfied with that and stop trying.  There’s no shame in not being funny.  Most people aren’t. They don’t care to be or don’t need to be.  I’m an attention whore.  I understand that.  Fully functional adults don’t try to be funny.  They rely on charisma, or wit, or charm.  But because we’re Americans some people want it all.  They have what they need to function as an adult but they still want the laughs, too. But you can’t have them.

 You either have it or you do not. I have not been able to come up with the correct sequence of words to tell someone “You aren’t funny.  This isn’t a matter of taste or variety.  It’s not that I don’t get your humor.  You just aren’t funny. Maybe if you shut up you might be entertained by others, but for everyone’s sake, please accept the fact that you are as funny as a colonoscopy. A pile of pee-soaked laundry.  A dead seagull next to a beach picnic.  The Spanish-American War.  Scurvy.  Swamp-ass…”

(You probably guessed I wrote the whole thing just to get to the part about being funny.  Needed to be said.)