Hey! Let’s All Mourn the Death of Our Dreams!

Everyone who knows me knows that I wanted to become a comedian.  I glamorized that job and longed for the attention that a crowds would give me after I made them ugh their asses off.  I was fifteen, and by the time I was twenty-two, it was not going to happen.  I believe I had the goods, but I had real world responsibilities by then, and I was in Orlando.  I thought about it all the time, but as I grew I learned more about the lonely life on the road, and the inevitable move to Los Angeles if you wanted to get anywhere. The dream had died. It took another decade or so for me to realize it, but it was dead.  No shame, no negative feelings whatsoever.  But, I hadn’t mourned the dream.

            I read about this somewhere last year and I’ve been chewing on it ever sense.  Just like a loved one, or even a beloved pet, you have to mourn the loss of your dreams.  It is something that meant so much to you, that defined you, and one day it is gone.  A dream dies when you know it won’t become a reality. Those are fantasies and fantasies don’t have to do a damn thing. You know when a dream is over. The reasons are irrelevant. 

            Holding onto a dead dream is as unhealthy as not processing grief.  You ignore it or drink it away or pretend that it doesn’t bother you.  Those feeling become toxic and can ruin your life and those around you. Maybe the stages of grief apply to dreams as well, but I can assume that the Denial stage can last years.  We don’t want to let go of dreams because we equate that with letting go of hope.  Or, if your ego is fully out of control, you want to have an excellent plot twist in your inevitable biography that certainly will be written when you achieve your dream.  It won’t.  You aren’t.  Me neither.

            Hope is better than a dream.  Hope can just be a feeling.  Faith, a positive attitude, self-discipline.  A ton of stuff. It’s non-specific and you can grab it right now.  Dreams are always elusive. You get one then your brain concocts another for you to hunt down.  I guess there are people who can live like that, always hurdling over their next goal.  I can’t.  I have to enjoy each tiny victory.  My eyes were glazed over with dreams for so long I have few memories of myself during that period.  I have to enjoy what’s here.  Right now.

            Want some Star Wars? All his life has he looked away to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was...what he was doing. See?  Even Yoda knows.  Remember, it was called A New Hope, not A New Dream.

            Scratch that.  That was dumb.

            I still dream.  Just like you meet new people or get a new pet for your home after one dies, you have to dream.  I’ve mourned the dreams of stardom and getting recognized on the street a long time ago.  Luckily, that has nothing to do with being a successful writer!  The average Joe might be able to recognize maybe 3 of famous writers if they sat next to them. I ain’t in it for fame.  I’m in it for readers.  I can have a little writing dream because I’m actually chasing it.  The chances are miniscule for sure. It’s a tiny dream where I cast a line into my own little pond on the internet, but it is in motion.  It’s like doing open mics in Portland if I wanted to stand-up again.  Yeah, I’m technically doing comedy but no one knows or gives a shit. 

            Except me.

            Writing, having a little house for us where we want it, my kids being healthy and happy, maybe a grandkid one day.  These are still living, breathing dreams.  I can only enjoy them now because I mourned the dreams of the past.