“And He Never Complained…”

Oh man, this one pisses me off.

A person dies.  Someone tells the story of his life.  All the hard work and sacrifice that led to a debilitating sickness that stretched out over the years.  His loved ones gather to honor him and one of the golden, beautiful attributes they like to use is that through it all, he never complained.

Why ON EARTH does anyone believe this to be a good thing?

Wait a minute.  Are you seriously telling me that he never complained?  Ever?

“No.”

Did he choose to do that or were you a bunch of assholes that never asked him how he was doing?  Was it that he was the strong and silent type, or did he lack the skills to unburden himself with the pain of everyday life that all human beings share?

“It was his way.  He was respectful.  Strong.”

Come on.  Tell me the truth.  Let’s hear it.

“Okay, okay.  He never bothered us with his bitching and whining; he kept it to himself which probably ate him up from the inside out. That left plenty of time for the rest of us to bitch and whine.”

Bingo.

This is a cultural belief.  In other cultures, as you grow older you purposely phase your way out of people’s lives to not be a burden.  But that’s not this culture.  Hell no.  We are complainers, through and through.  At it’s worse, it’s a monstrous annoyance and a conversational dead-end, but at it’s best it changes the system.  Revolutionaries are complainers.  Unfortunately, so is the status quo.

Be stingy with the complaints.  You don’t want to be a pain, but when something sucks or you are hurting, say something.  Complain away. Screw them if they complain about it.

Another story frame I hear concerns sacrifice.  A successful person will usually point to a parent or a spouse who put aside their lives for the success of another person.  Helping put someone through college, etc.  I also don’t think nominating these people for sainthood is a good thing. 

“My mom worked two jobs, sometimes three, to save money for my education.  She went to night school, took care of me and my three brothers, and had dinner on the table every night.  And she never complained.”

Do you think she wanted to?

“I don’t…I don’t know.  She never did.”

Do you think that’s a normal thing for a person to do?  Don’t you think that she was exhausted beyond all human comprehension and needed an outlet and that not having one may have been a bad thing?  Also, couldn’t this inspiring behavior and all of these heroic sacrifices negatively affect you in the future?

“No.  That’s not…who are you again?”

There isn’t a human being in the world who can live up to what your loved one did for you, so won’t all your relationships eventually fall short because you haven’t been placed on a similar pedestal in that relationship? 

“I don’t know who you are and I’d like you to leave.”

I’ll see myself out.

Sacrificing for the people you love keeps the world spinning around but it doesn’t have to be a fairy tale story.  I’m not supporting guilt trips or any of that garbage.  I’m just not sure that lionizing our loved ones is the best way to go.  We’re all pretty miserable as it is, so let’s keep the expectations of people in our lives somewhat realistic.  Maybe grandpa needs to vent a little.  Maybe mom needs a glass of wine, and a vacation, and a few friends.

 Life is hard and it doesn’t make it any easy to pretend that it’s not. I don’t want to live my life so that the stories at my wake are super awesome to everyone but me.