Change. Then Change Again.

I keep blog ideas in a file on my computer.  They could be just a sentence or even a few words.  For about three or four years, written at the top of the page, I had the phrase: Change. Then change again.  I ‘m sure I had a big idea when I typed that in my list of ideas, but I forgot what my point was.  It sat there for a long time.  Now, in the midst of the pandemic, when my kids are now adults, and that we’re moving out of the house we’ve lived in for thirteen years, I’ve found the meaning again.

I have never feared change.  Ever.  Even in the depths of my anxiety and self-loathing, it’s never been a fear of mine.  I’ve shrunk from it and been intimidated, and I sure as hell had issues making decisions.  But I always knew that it was inevitable.  It was as natural as the sun rising and the leaves changing in the fall. To fight it is to fight nature, and why the hell would you do that?

Sometimes I want to change just to change.  It’s time.  You can feel it.  This house we’re leaving is fine.  We could spend years fixing it up and we like our town.  But Amy and know it’s been…used up.  The kids are grown.  They happen to be living here at the moment though a mix of different circumstances, but those three people are young adults. The kids they used to be grew up here and now they’re gone.  There is no point holding a vigil or preserving some mortgaged monument to who they once were.  For us either.  I got my degree in history but I’ve never been a fan of preserving things just so they don’t fade away.  What’s worth remembering will be remembered, the rest will dissolve into the ether one way or another.

Through these changes and my obsession with time travel stories I have come to learn that the only time that is important is right now.  I’m not referring to the pressure to make every moment count, because that is ridiculous.  If you are present as much as possible, then change isn’t so scary. If it’s thrust upon you, like a viral outbreak that upends your life, you can breathe through it.  If it is by design, and you are in control of the decisions that have to be made, you can breathe through it.

I don’t get along with people who refuse to change.  They are children in adult bodies.  I don’t know a more respectful way to put it. Those people who want things to stay the same or don’t want to talk about the future.  I don’t get it.  Life moves in one direction.  Forward.  I also hate stories with characters who refuse to change, adapt, or grow.  I feel like that was a trait of a hundred TV shows in the last thirty years.  Men who are afraid to commit.  People who wait too long to start a relationship.  I realize that writes want to stretch out the plot of a show, but I think that shows an unwillingness to change on their part, too!  There are plenty of things to talk about after the ‘will they/won’t they’ is over.  You just have to try it.

I get it.  Fear of the unknown. People would rather be with the familiar, even if it makes them miserable, then venture out into the spooky and scary unknown.  But its like learning to care for yourself. Eating better, exercising, learning about the world.  A healthy attitude toward change is part of growing up.  It’s one of those things that is always better when you’re on the other side of it.

One of the other things that could be up for a change is how I approach these blogs, and if I continue to do them at all.  They are merely workouts in between book projects, and I plan to use them when I have my own self-publishing writer storefront up and running.  It’s another change. I’ll give myself another few years and make a hard, dedicated run at selling more books.  I can use these blogs to reach out to readers.  Plus, they are fun to do. If nothing comes of it, and I’m in my fifties and I’m still making sixteen dollars a year as a writer and I’m pouring all my time into work that no one reads, I’ll close up shop.  It will be time for a change.  And I’ll be ready for it.