Prequel Thoughts (Yes. Really.)

No, they really aren't good!

Disney Plus gave me a chance to revisit the Star Wars prequels.  I have copies gathering dust on a shelf, but I thought I’d sample the new streaming service with some movies I haven’t seen in a long time. 

Truthfully, I didn’t watch them all the way.  I kinda scrubbed through the first two.  I’ll probably sit through the entire third one only because I’ve seen it the fewest times.  But, I’m not hopeful.  They’re still not good.

I’d seen Episodes I and II multiple times because they came out when my boys were little.  They were into everything.  The figures, the lightsabers, the ships, the robots.  We had board games and video games.  They dressed up Star Wars for Halloween.  I loved that so much.  But the movies themselves, they never really stuck.

I’ve rewritten them so many times in my head and I think I have solid fixes for everything.  It’s all for naught because they are what they are and they will never be changed.  It was a multi-billion missed opportunity, even though all of the movies were financially successful. 

My only thought last night as I watched them was, which one sucks more and why?

Movies, especially fantasy and sci-fi, are allowed one or two sins. A miscasting, a plot hole, dialogue that’s a little flat, dated special effects, shitty music.  Every movie gets at least one, maybe two of these, and can still be considered good or at least a solid film experience.  If you start having more than two, you might be faced with a turd.  The cool thing is these sins occur in the eye of the beholder, and that’s where arguments begin. 

The Phantom Menace has too many sins. Lucas’ traditionally wooden dialogue seems almost petrified when the actors deliver it and the lessons that he learned in the original series aren’t used.  The originals are fun, with moments of melodrama sprinkled throughout to give them some dramatic weight.  Think about all the old scenes on the Falcon.  Jokes, levity, flirting, and you get the exposition out there.  The quiet and solemn scenes only happen when Vader and the Emperor hash out their evil shit.  Phantom is almost all solemn scenes.  Lots of slow walking and escorting people from place to place.  There’s also too much air between delivered lines which felt like the padding of an already bloated scene.

There are some action bits that age okay, but they’re mostly flat because the CG in 1999 isn’t holding up.  The saber battle at the end is still very cool, and it might be the best one in the entire series. I won’t bitch at all about that.

The glaring sins begin with weird Asian-American accents by the by Trade guys that sucked then and seem ridiculous now.  Jar Jar still sucks, and Jake Lloyd was horrifically miscast as a little Anakin. His direction was bad and so was the dialogue he delivered. Podracers couldn’t make up for all of that mess.  I could go beat by beat complaining about the plot, but to save time and sanity I will declare now that the biggest problem with Episode I is that it does not need to exist!  I don’t mean the wholesale dumping of these movies into the trash bin of history.  I mean, that story-wise, even in the story that Lucas cobbled together for the prequels, Episode I is pointless.  One of the first scenes of Episode II features Obi-Wan and Anakin in an elevator reminiscing about the past, as they are about to meet Padme.  That very concise scene could have kicked off the entire series.

You don’t need any of it. No Qui-Gon, no little Anakin, no Ani’s mom, no Trade bullshit, no Jar Jar.  Lucas rewound too far.

Attack of the Clones is just a flat-out boring movie.  The last twenty minutes are battle scenes that aren’t as cool as I remember and the huge assault by the Jedi wasn’t that impressive.  Most of the movie contains stiff romantic scenes and a lot of walking and nodding in the halls of the Senate. Yoda’s saber battle isn’t a fitting successor to the three-way battle in Ep I, and Hayden Christensen isn’t that great, either.  My ultimate revelation? Episode II is shittier than Episode I.  Neither are good, but at least Episode I has moments that you remember.  Sabers, Maul, Podrace. Do you even remember what happens in Episode II?  There aren’t any quotes or scenes that anyone has ever mentioned since the movie was released.  Plus, Lucas should have fixed the problems he had in the first one and he didn’t.

Here is my fix:

Erase Episode I, except keep the character of Darth Maul.

The new Episode I is what Ep II is currently, except lose Dooku and replace with Maul.  The entire trilogy is the story of Obi-Wan; through his eyes.  Anakin and Padme grow closer through adventure, not a trip to Naples or wherever.  Keep all the Palpatine bullshit, but in the background. 

Biggest change:  Eliminate the entire notion of the Jedi council.  Their role is murky at best and they are treated like bureaucrats. Instead, make them mysterious, hooded, in the shadows.  Their home and meetings are secret.  When they walk into a room, everything stops.  They aren’t cops.  They are outside of normal society, and step in when needed.  I want them to be bad-ass mofo’s.

The new Episode II is a war movie.  Battle scenes, a homefront, romance.  Lots of losses and Obi-Wan sees his protégé slip away.  A new figure emerges and kills Maul.  He is Vader, but he’s also Anakin still.  He’s playing two parts just like Palpatine.  Obi-Wan discovers the secret.

Ep III.  Battle, Jedi’s are getting slaughtered, Padme gives birth in secret and dies from a war wound.  Anakin get fucked up, add helmet. Credits.

I think every fan of Star Wars has their own version of the above, so I’m happy to add mine to the pile.