It’s Important To Have Your Own Top Ten Lists
(This post has been on my mind for over a week. The only way I’m going to get it out there is to present it in two sections. The first one is my thoughts on the subject of embracing the things you truly love no matter what, and the second is a struggle to do just that.)
I assume this is a problem for some. I know it was for me. It may be based on anxiety, or low self-esteem, or a lack of attention, or a combination of those, but it’s a personality glitch I’ve had my entire life. At least, since I was ten or so.
When I was little, as I’ve stated, I was into Star Wars. I loved my cartoons, my Legos, and that was pretty much it. Before I hit ten or so, I was an average kid who loved indoor shit and I was happy when I was surrounded by it. As I got older and we moved to Florida, there were new people, new surroundings, and new influences in my life. The boys I met were into girls. They were into music and movies I’d never heard of. It was that time in one’s life where you are trying to fit it, and by doing so, you pretend to go along with stuff you’re not necessarily into.
(This sounds ominous; it’s not. I’m not talking drugs. I’m talking about listening to Duran Duran records.)
By the time I was 12, I was far away from these things I loved. I was in middle school and life was girls I was too nervous to talk too and music that I never really liked. It was the beginnings of teenage crap, and I was just along for the ride. I had no developed a backbone. I didn’t know enough about growing up to know that there is a time that you shed the things you thought defined you, and embrace the things that really do. At least, I hope you’ve found that in your life.
I didn’t discover that until Back to the Future and George Carlin. I didn’t discover that until The Beatles the Beastie Boys and Led Zeppelin and Jane’s Addiction. It was awesome to experience these particular slices of our culture, but it was equally important to drop the stuff I didn’t like and admit to myself that it was never mine to begin with. I was going along. I don’t want to go along anymore. I like this stuff instead. It makes me feel something. I identify with it.
However, low self-esteem and anxiety have residual effects. You never are truly free of them. I still have issues, all these years later. With age, you get the odd societal pressures of the things you should embrace at your age and the things you should have let go by now. I’m happy to see there is resistance against these pressures. (Especially in Portland.) Only those true to themselves can resist. The anxiety-ridden are still concerned about exterior perceptions. “I don’t want people to think I’m a loser!” “I’m not a creepy old guy!”
Then, I have to remind myself of my credo: No one really gives a shit about what you think.
Which brings me to your top ten list. I don’t mean top ten lists in general, or the endless clickbait listicles full of incongruous and incomprehensible horseshit on the internet. I mean, your top ten lists. Can you make top ten lists of the things you love without being concerned about what others may feel about it? A top ten movie list of all time with all the Transformers movies on there because you secretly love that terrible shit. Or a top ten songs of all-time list filled with bubble gum pop songs, all while surrounded by hipster friends who only listen to Neutral Milk Hotel on a loop. A top ten TV shows of all time only filled with sitcoms because one-hour dramas are too long to sit through.
For me, this is a tall order. I am in an endless struggle in my mind to seem cool. I’m not cool. I’ve never been cool and most of the shit I like isn’t cool. There is media everywhere that is embraced by the cool elements of our culture. I ignore that completely, yet I still want the recognition. I realize that has nothing to do with me and I can include whatever I want, but it’s still in the background of my mind second-guessing everything.
Now, I will bring you the experience of me simply trying to assemble a list of my favorite TV shows of all time, as it happens. I apologize beforehand…
Of course, Lost is far and away my favorite TV show of all time, despite any criticism or any of its flaws. I lived for that show, week to week, year to year. Oh, yeah, I have to limit this to dramas, and not sitcoms. It just wouldn’t make sense to put Friends up against The West Wing. Yes. The West Wing is probably in the second slot. That show is like a comfy blanket to.me. It gets a knock because of the final two seasons, but no show is perfect. Hold up. Breaking Bad was flawless. But do I think it’s a favorite show? I don’t want to include it just because it was critically acclaimed. Do I, personally, love it? Would I kick back and watch the whole thing again? It was the best show I’ve ever seen, but would it crack the top ten? It might. It was that good. I also have to include The X-Files. Amy and I watched that religiously until the last shitty season or two. It’s frustrating to watch in reruns, but it still has to be up there. Homicide: Life on the Street did not get the love it deserved at the time because everyone else watched NYPD Blue at the same time. Homicide was better in every way and Andre Braugher is one of my favorite actors, period.
Now things get a little difficult. After that first batch of shows that come to mind, it is difficult to round out the rest of the list. I hesitate to include anything too recent because the series hasn’t completed yet. This is also the place where I have to refrain from including shows that would make me look cool. Like The Wire. Great show. Doesn’t make the top ten. Dexter had its moments, Deadwood was only two seasons and although Firefly could have been the greatest series ever, it never had a chance. I have to cut them all loose. There is Justified, which I loved, and I have to keep in my back pocket. Maybe it squeaks in at 10. The three recent shows I have in mind are Fargo, Mr. Robot, and Sherlock. None of those are officially over, although Sherlock may be. Sherlock is also a British series with fewer episodes, but each one is 90 minutes so I’m letting it slide. Fargo and Mr. Robot are my two favorite shows right now, and have been for the last three seasons.
Game of Thrones will not make the cut. It's close. Orphan Black won’t, Doctor Who won’t, and there just any old dramas, anything pre-1995 or so, that come to mind. I loved Northern Exposure when it was on, but it's not up there. Fringe was good but not enough. Mad Men, The Americans, Downtown Abbey, Sons of Anarchy…and none of the superhero shows I watch will make it. So, what do I have? Lost, West Wing, X-Files, Homicide, Breaking Bad, Justified, Mr. Robot, Fargo, and Sherlock. Shit. That’s nine. Ugh. Why do we have to make these lists of 10? Now from all the cut shows, I have to pick a favorite. It’s the same damn process all over again. I think from the batch I’ve mentioned, I have to include Doctor Who. Smart, fun, and rewatchable. I think that is important criteria. Would I ever watch this again?
Now for the order. 1 and 2 are locked. I now have to mix my attachment to the show when it originally aired and its rewatch-ability. Breaking Bad and Homicide are good, but serious and dark. They will be at the end. Mr. Robot, Sherlock, and Justified are all lighter, or at least not as dark. Doctor Who is very easy to watch again, but it still wouldn’t hop over some of these other ones. Fargo falls somewhere in the middle. Ok, shit. Here I go:
1. Lost
2. The West Wing
3. The X-Files
4. Mr. Robot
5. Sherlock
6. Justified
7. Fargo
8. Doctor Who
9. Homicide: Life on the Street
10. Breaking Bad
Of course, if you change the criteria, this list changes…
My head hurts.