My Anxiety Files - The Ticking Clock

            To an outsider, observing someone with anxiety must be strange and frustrating.  It is difficult to explain what is happening inside, and since you don’t deal with the biological symptoms, you cannot imagine the explanation behind the behavior.  I guess that is the same with all kinds of conditions.  The truth is, those without the problem, those who can control fear and do not find their bodies when the fear response kicks in, have trouble empathizing.  There is no corresponding experience.

            My wife has watched me for twenty years deal with this crap.  She has no such issues; all of my behaviors are foreign to her.  I remember one day she was telling me about a day at work.  She is a chef, and one day at the restaurant the health inspector came in and was unusually thorough.  The business was always clean and my wife was mostly responsible for that fact.  She knew everything would be fine and they would pass, but she still had an unavoidable queasiness in the pit of her stomach.  This guy was making her nervous for no reason, and she couldn’t shake it until he was gone.  I told her; “That’s how I feel every day of my life.”

            Imagine that horrible feeling you have in traffic where an accident almost happens.  You have to jam on your brakes to keep from hitting someone, or the back of another car.  That jolt of adrenaline zaps you, like an emotional airbag, to keep you alert and ready for danger.  But you brake in time, and everybody goes on with their day.  Most people laugh it off or swear, maybe say “whew!” to themselves.  Just think of what that would be like if that jolt of adrenaline didn’t stop.  You still felt that fear and alertness for hours and hours, maybe even into the next day.  Think of what that would do to you if that happened all the time.  A person with anxiety doesn’t even need that bit of drama to feel panic.  Bills that are due, an interview, a meeting with a friend, an intense movie, waiting in line at the grocery store…almost anything can set someone off.  Even, and I am being completely honest, just writing about this is giving me a low dose of it right now.

It is chemical.  When I finally accepted this about four years ago, I went to a doctor.  I have high blood pressure.  It’s not because of cheeseburgers, it is an inherited trait.  If I went to the doctor when I was twenty I would have received the same diagnosis.  Anxiety, spurned by a rapid heart rate was able to feel upon itself.  No logical reasoning in my brain could get me to ‘calm down’ or ‘take it easy’.  There was a broken switch in my body.  I quit caffeine.  Why stoke the fire?  I paid more attention to exercise and what I was eating.  All of these things would help, but unfortunately I am tied to heart medication for the long haul.

Think of what that does to your heart in forty years’ time.  Anxiety causes all kinds of other maladies, even hair loss.  Also, think of what it can do to relationships and careers.  I got lucky with my wife, but that luck did not extend to any job I’ve ever had.  I never wanted any extra responsibility, even though I was often one of the more promising employees on staff.  I never could ask for more money and I am the worst job interviewer on the face of the earth.  Even though my anxiety is now under control, I spent a lifetime in fear and I have seriously underdeveloped social skills. 

This brings me to the background music of my life.  As it turns out, it is the background music for my family members as well.  My brother and I noted one day that our father is always in a hurry to get home from work.  No matter what was going on, my dad works his ass off as hard as possible but needs to get out that door fast. We suspected that it had something to do with beer, but now I think it is a little more complex.  I call it the ‘ticking clock’.  My parents, my brother and I all have anxiety problems.  There is a feeling inside of us, as integral as our own memories and personality traits, which makes us hurry.  I am constantly in a rush to do everything.  I feel it when I’m driving, I feel it when I’m eating, I feel it when I don’t have to be doing anything at the moment.  I feel it when I wash dishes or make dinner or go online for anything. Yes, I feel it right now.

The actual clock is of no consequence.  I know I have an appointment for my job at 10:00 this morning.  I’ve already figured out how long it will take to get there, and even if I’m a few minutes late (which I never am) it will be okay.  I’ll still get the job done and I will get paid.  It is 8:30 now, and I feel the tension.  There is no need for it, whatsoever.  It will not subside.  I used to think that if I just was busier than I would not have time to get anxious.  That has a little merit, but I usually end up ruining my time off with all the anxiety I didn’t get to during the week.

What are we hurrying for, exactly?  There is no logic tied to this; it is purely a biological impulse. Are we trying to hurry up and get through the day to accomplish something?  Time only goes one speed.  Am I trying to hurry through my life so I can make into my coffin quicker?  What the hell?

            I asked my daughter, who has some of this herself, to keep an eye on me.  If she sees me hurrying when there is no reason to, just tell me to slow down.  That is the only way out of this.  It is one reason I moved to Oregon.  The west coast simply moves at a slower pace.  I have to learn how to breathe and listen to myself when I need to chill out.  Take it easy.  Resist the urge to rush.  Slow the fuck down. I have to learn what calm is.  I have to accept that there are only so many things I can do.  I have to let go of the hurry or I will die early.  It is that simple.

            I learned this phrase while listening to a podcast.  It was a guy with anxiety who had this same issue and he adopted a phrase he learned from drill sergeant, of all people: “slow is smooth and smooth is fast”.  If you actually take your time with your tasks, being careful and avoiding the hurry impulse, you will accomplish them in less time with less mistakes and frustration. I have tried this and it works.  I actually use it as a mantra when I feel the clock ticking in my ears.  I said it aloud: Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Some people learn this when they are ten years old.  The rest of us have anxiety.